bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Found the puke drawer
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
