So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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