Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
