totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
