I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
