He disabled his match.com account in front of me
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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