sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
