Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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