Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
