you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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