Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
