theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
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