Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
