Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
