In America we eat man semen.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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