Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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