you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
