Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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