sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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