Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
