I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
