My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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