I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
