Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
