How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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