Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
