I showed him my bush... on skype.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
