Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
