Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
