You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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