I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
sarcasm needs its own font
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
