every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
