Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
