i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
