i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
