Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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