Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Text me some of your sweat
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