Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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