I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
