i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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