when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
