I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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