lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
