I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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