I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
