I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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