I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
