I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
