If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
