I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
